Motherhood

I thought it would be a perfect day to write this blog post since my favorite little boy will be 11 years old tomorrow… 11. I told him he’s not allowed. That instead he is turning 5 again. I gave birth to him, I can dictate how old he will be, lol. I am quite certain I will cry.

I wasn’t with his father long before I became pregnant. I remember the terrifying feeling. 21 years old, had no idea if we would make it as a couple and I thought my dad was going to kill me. I remember calling my dad and telling him I needed to speak with him after work, in person. He guessed it immediately. He wasn’t happy, but my dad loved me and he took care of us during my pregnancy. My sister in law was pregnant at the same time so it was nice to have someone understand where I was coming from. My pregnancy was relatively easy. I did get put on bed rest in the 8th month due to high blood pressure, but I worked my full time job on my feet until then. I was proud of myself. My labor was hard. 36 hours hard. He would not budge. That child was so stubborn he did not want to come out of his home. I had an emergency c-section and after began hemorrhaging. I remember them calling code blue and afterwards had to have a blood transfusion. It was the scariest moment of my life. I slept for days and couldn’t even hold my son. I think I missed the important bonding period because of my health.

He was a beautiful baby. A big baby, lol. 8 pounds 11 oz. This was a blessing in disguise because he had acid reflux and lost a pound when we went home. He was relatively healthy, we had some digestive scares, but after some probiotics and home remedies, we got it worked out. My parents kept him so I could return to work. They said it would only be for a couple of years but they loved him so much they couldn’t bare to send him to day care. He was my dads buddy. My dad always said he didn’t know what he would do with a boy, he had my sister and I so he was surrounded by girls. But he loved my son so much he would take Tai just to have guy time. I am certain Tai was my dads favorite person. It is hard not to make Tai your favorite. He used to hand me my wedding rings and ask me to marry him. He would write me notes about why I was the best mom ever. He would tell me he didn’t need to do anything else because he had his mommy. He used to want to give money to the homeless. He asked me to pay for people’s orders when we went to eat or I got coffee. He wanted to go around our neighborhood and bathe peoples dogs for them, just to give them a break. He has the kindest, sweetest soul. I would love to take credit for it, but I can’t. God created this child different. He is pure and amazing. I always thought I wanted a girl, but instead God gave me my best friend. Being a boy mom is the greatest. I don’t know why God trusted me with this beautiful little boy, but I am so thankful He did. He gave my dad so much joy when he was sick. Even when I am sick, he is one of the only people that can bring a smile to my face. He gave my dad laughter and comfort during the hardest time of his life. I don’t think he will ever understand what he means.

Motherhood is terrifying. I fail daily. I feel like I am the worst sometimes. It is exhausting, and difficult. But it is the greatest blessing I could ever have been given. My child changes the lives of all of those he encounters. He has made me a better person. I don’t want my son to be like me, I want to be like him. Happy Birthday my perfect little boy. Your mommy loves you more than life itself.

Overcomer

“You’re an overcomer

Stay in the fight ’till the final round

You’re not going under

‘Cause God is holding you right now

You might be down for a moment

Feeling like it’s hopeless

That’s when he reminds you

That you’re an overcomer” – Mandisa

 

THIS SONG! Having Faith and dealing with obstacles is what gets me through. I FINALLY feel like I have overcome my pit. GOD GOT ME THROUGH! I went through the darkest time of my life. I felt alone, in the dark, desperate. I was depressed and anxious. I had the worst fear I would never get out. But I did. God did not leave me there. I know life is not always sunshine and rainbows, but whatever is thrown at me now, I have hope. I see my life through a different lens. I have joy now and a peace. The only way I got through my pit was because after 33 years I have finally given my life to God. This isn’t a pray when something little happens, or when I get scared, this is going through my day constantly aware of my Savior. Making decisions daily that I feel will further God’s Kingdom. I am in no way perfect or “good”, I am just a Child of God, joyously praising the Father that saved me. The joy I feel is intense. It breaks my heart to know people are out there struggling and don’t turn to God. I don’t know how they make it through.

Every small decision we make can be joyful and full of purpose. We don’t need excuses. No one is too busy for God or other people, none of us have fewer hours in the day. It is either important or it’s not. God is important or He’s not. People are important, or they’re not. You decide where to place your importance. You won’t move forward unless you stop making excuses. Jesus told us the most important of all was LOVE. If we love God and we love others, we make time for them. We don’t allow excuses to rule our lives. Become love, it changes your heart and mind. Those bitter feelings fall away because your heart changes. “You’re a minister to the hurting people around you.” A way to not stay stuck in anxiety is to focus on other people. My anxiety was selfish. MINE. It was focused on myself. When I turn my attention to others I don’t notice my anxiety as much. People are hurting and lonely and dealing with things we often can’t even imagine. The best example we can show of Christ is to love them. LOVE WITH NO LIMITS!

This new life I have is beautiful and the hope I feel I can’t find words for! I wish I had a way with words to describe what being a child of God is. I can say it is worth every dark day and every moment of anxiety. If I can get through my anxiety and out of my pit, anyone can… with God on your side. Life is beautiful friends.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”  -Deuteronomy 31:6

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My fellow sahm, working moms, and career driven women!

Life is full of change. I hate it! Lol. I don’t like change and I don’t embrace it as I should! I know it can bring beauty, but it also brings loss of relationships, weird seasons, and pain. I don’t know about you, but no thanks! However if I am being honest, this change is necessary. The loss of relationships- although at the time is such a huge blow and full of heavy loneliness… it is so NECESSARY. Friends, if you pray for God to bring you encouraging, Godly relationships, prepare for some of your current ones to take a step back. The Faith journey isn’t for everyone, and that is ok! You are still able to love them from a distance.

Loneliness is hard for me. My nature is loving and I love being around people. I don’t embrace quiet time. This is great on one hand, but on the other it puts strain on other people. I place them higher than they are. Meaning… I give them expectations only God can meet. And this is impossible and unfair. None of us can give the love God gives. I can’t expect people to give me that. I do believe God has put me in a season of loneliness to help me realize I put too much on people. I say too much and expect too much. I need to just bring it to Him and cling to Him. I am not perfect, I can’t expect anyone else to be. And even if I feel lonely, I am never alone. He is always with me… and that in itself is so beautiful.

Switching from a full time working mom to a stay at home mom was such a dream! And then I actually lived it and became so down and depressed. What is my purpose? Why am I here? I am never busy, almost all of my friends work, I am bored. But, I don’t want to change it because now I am used to not working. So let me be in my pit and stay miserable ok?! NO. The enemy got me so far down in my pit I didn’t even realize right now my purpose may just be to be a light. To get deep in my relationship with God and love others. To be the best wife and mother I can be. To take care of my family. And guess what friends? This is ok. This is a wonderful purpose to strive for. I do have things I want to do, and feel like I can do more. And I will. Little by little God is pulling me out of my pit. Not as quickly as I’d like, but if God skipped the journey for us, what would we learn? How could I help others if I have no idea how I got out?

If you are a stay at home mom, a working mom, or a career-driven woman…you have purpose. NEVER allow the enemy to take your drive. NEVER allow him to whisper lies about being worthless. NEVER think you don’t matter or you aren’t important. I wish I had someone in my life that had been here. I wish I had someone to truly sit down with me and dig deep into my depression. I wish people were more aware of mental health struggles. Depression and anxiety are difficult. You can not just leave your friends in their pit. You have to reach out to them and offer SOMETHING. We can not just sit by while our brothers and sisters suffer. Who does that? I had to dig deep. Reach out to God, read numerous books, and find a counselor to help me. What I wouldn’t have given for SOMEONE to just reach out to me and come over and say “hey, this isn’t right. something is going on, please talk to me.” This is why I am speaking out on here. If I can help in some way, that is why I started this blog. To let you know, you are not ALONE. Although I am not pit free, I have one hand out. I will be fully released soon. God never stops working. Please know how loved you are.92f893ce64a415ffca8824bc88896053

Keeping your heart open

God speaks in so many ways, if we aren’t careful to keep our heart open we will miss it. Small things like being given a verse and having it used in the next Church sermon, certain songs on the radio, new insights from people on the outside, and hearing advice you had no idea you needed.

I was given some insight into my depression this week. It is directly tied into losing my dad. I honestly had no idea, which sounds stupid on my part, but I couldn’t connect it. I knew my anxiety was due to seeing him suffer for so many years. It makes complete sense, I was thrust into a world of pain and sickness. A world I wasn’t aware of or prepared for. The first year after I lost my dad I worked my full time job, I was also a mother and a wife. I had no time to process. The last 2 years I was sinking deeper into a pit because I have had so much time to reflect. The last few weeks I have considered this a curse. I was at a point where I would have rather been at my job and busy because at least I had purpose and was doing something. Now I realize, this time may have been for me to reflect. Reflecting hurts, but it brings feelings to the surface. I know in my heart where my dad is. Although I would love to have him here selfishly, I know Heaven is perfect and am thankful and at peace he is there. But the hole it left formed my depression. My dad was my best friend and my greatest confidant. You don’t just lose that and wake up ok. It takes time. It takes reflection. It takes healing. And it takes prayer. I allowed my depression to put me in a pit. A pit where I just did not want to do anything. And I felt like a purposeless, lazy, failure. A person that did not add any value to other people. This is what happens in the pit. You believe the enemies lies. That nothing you do helps. “Don’t do this it doesn’t matter”, “Don’t go here it means nothing.” This is where he gets you.

When you finally take the time to open up to people… it can be disheartening. Some are extremely sensitive and offer advice, some don’t want to hear it and only want you to be happy, and honestly some don’t care. This hurts. My love language is words. Words of love and affirmation. Cards, little notes, texts of encouragement.. so to not receive this makes me feel like shutting down. But, they don’t mean anything by it. It is just another way for you to know that people aren’t really there for that. This is God’s job. He always listens. Just as I am typing this I know He is with me. Not floating above in the sky. This revelation rocked my world this week. No matter how alone I feel, God is always with me. I don’t need to put that weight on other people anyway. You know the saying “don’t expect anything from people and you will never be disappointed.” This is so true! Then when people do kind things, it is genuinely appreciated!

Today on the radio God spoke to me. They were saying the issue with Christians is, sometimes we just KNOW God gave us this HUGE dream. Like we are going to do something that will change the world, and have millions of followers, and almost be famous in a sense. The thing is, that isn’t how God works. Yes, I have things I would love to do and be involved in, and maybe God will see this come to fruition. But right now, I am raising a beautiful 10 year old. The kindest, most loving boy you will ever meet. God trusted me with that job. So on the days where I feel like nothing, and I feel like I have accomplished nothing, I got up, provided for my child, took him to school, picked him up, spent time with him, laughed, encouraged, made dinner, and made sure he had all he needed. I pray for him, encourage him to read his bible, and make sure he does all of his school work. This is my job. And God is proud of me. I can celebrate those small victories because they do all mean something!

Why should my soul be downcast? Why should I have so much fear? When God says this,

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”    -Romans 8:1-2

It’s like the viral video of the little girl singing in choir, there ain’t nothing gonna steal my joy…nothing stole her joy. She had recently been saved and loved Jesus so much she just danced all over that stage. This is how life can be if we let it! Praise Jesus, nothing will steal my joy any longer!

 

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Changing your habits

You know when you make a decision and you can see your future… like you envision yourself months ahead, just attacking life- living each day to the fullest and not wasting one second. But you just can’t take that big step. You see it, you want it more than anything but that pit you got yourself in is comfortable. Miserable, but comfortable. It’s your new “normal.” A normal you would never have thought a few years ago you would be in. It’s a vicious cycle, you want nothing more than to be the joyful, energetic woman you know you can be, but you’re stuck. STUCK IN THE PIT.

Encouragement is huge for me. Verbal encouragement, little notes, etc. They mean everything. When you are depressed and deep in a pit and you make HUGE plans and share them with people and you get nothing back- that is a huge let down. It makes you believe that lie Satan plants- that you as one person can never make a difference. No one believes you can, so you continue in your daily life. This is the biggest mistake I have made. Living off other people’s opinions and encouragement. It is nice, but it’s not a necessity. I was not put here to please other people. I was put here for a purpose only God knows and I will never find it if I let myself believe I won’t make a difference. It all starts with one person. One persons choice to change some habits that can turn into life altering decisions for other people.

Changing habits also comes with being independent. At times we need to dive OUT of our comfort zone to truly get out of that pit and reach our potential. We don’t need to have someone there holding our hands and telling us we are doing a great job. This is what God is for. Don’t give people God’s authority. It just makes all the heartbreak for you! I encourage you today to JUMP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE with me! I am making some jumps, they aren’t the huge leaps I hope to see, but I know I will find them! Better to make small, positive changes than stay in that pit. Don’t let the pit win friends.

“Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”  -Matthew 5:160a752975dbbcdc8a1ac8ab50d7bc05ee

The best is yet to come…

But right now, it just sucks. This was in my notes from Church this last Sunday. That’s the great thing about my Church, the pastors are truthful. Real. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel itself sucks! This is how I feel about my anxiety/depression. I know God has a reason for it, but it’s not a fun process to go through.

I grew up a 100% daddy’s girl. My dad was my everything. I went to him for the most simplest issue to the most serious. “Dad, do I really need this added to my car or just the oil change?” to “Dad, I’m scared, what do I do?”. He could always bring me down to earth and get rid of my anxiety. My dad loved God above all else. When he called and told me he had oral cancer, my world crumbled. I realized in that time who would be there during trials and that it would be up to me to grow up.

Dealing with my anxiety on my own. No more having dad to go to for answers. This was 4 years ago we learned of his cancer, 3 years since he’s been gone. I am still struggling with my anxiety/depression. My Faith has made huge strides, but I still haven’t found the key to unlock the door to freedom. I truly believe I will overcome this and there is a HUGE reason why it is taking me so long to get to the other side, but being in the middle of it makes it hard to see it from the outside.

They say it all begins with your thoughts. Everything does. The moment you open your eyes in the morning your brain is going. Thoughts are forming. Coming at you in all directions. Supposedly, we have between 50,000-70,000 thoughts per day. Knowing me as being an over-thinker I am probably at 100,000 lol. Those thoughts can be obsessive. Obsessive over anxiety and worry… which in turn makes it all you think about. So you are in this complete cycle. It is true when they say you must take your thoughts captive.  “Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 10:5.

“Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” – Philippians 4:7

Christ knew we would struggle with our thought patterns, otherwise he wouldn’t have had the disciples include these promises in Scripture. I CLING TO THIS HOPE AND THESE PROMISES. I hope you will too! We always have hope friends, even in the midst of trials!

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The Journey Begins

Hey friends! My name is Jennifer. Texan born and raised. I currently live in Sunnyvale with my husband of 10 years and almost 11 year old son, my favorite blessing.

I have been contemplating starting a blog for some time now. Life has taken some unexpected turns so I have time and stories to share 🙂 I am a stay at home mom for nearly 2 years now and with so much time on my hands I thought now would be the perfect time to put the pen to the page so to speak. I’m not sure if anyone would want to read what I have to say, but I think with my life experiences I may be able to encourage others or shed some light on issues.

Currently, I am deep into my Faith. I just joined an incredible non-denominational Church and my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing to me. I am striving to find my purpose in this world and further His Kingdom. I have no idea what my purpose is yet, but I am working daily to find it! I do struggle with some depression/anxiety, which definitely intensified when I lost my dad 3 years ago. I think everything we go through is for a reason, so I am starting to accept that my struggles may help others in some way. My life verses have been my major Scripture Saturation this month:

“Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”   -Philippians 4:4-9

If you read these verses daily, they will truly motivate you no matter your circumstances. I can’t wait to dig deep and share some of my life with you guys! My next post will explain more about who I am and how I ended up here, but I hope this was enough to show you a bit of me and you will be interested to read more. Can’t wait for this journey!

“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”     -John C. Maxwell

 

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