Keeping your heart open

God speaks in so many ways, if we aren’t careful to keep our heart open we will miss it. Small things like being given a verse and having it used in the next Church sermon, certain songs on the radio, new insights from people on the outside, and hearing advice you had no idea you needed.

I was given some insight into my depression this week. It is directly tied into losing my dad. I honestly had no idea, which sounds stupid on my part, but I couldn’t connect it. I knew my anxiety was due to seeing him suffer for so many years. It makes complete sense, I was thrust into a world of pain and sickness. A world I wasn’t aware of or prepared for. The first year after I lost my dad I worked my full time job, I was also a mother and a wife. I had no time to process. The last 2 years I was sinking deeper into a pit because I have had so much time to reflect. The last few weeks I have considered this a curse. I was at a point where I would have rather been at my job and busy because at least I had purpose and was doing something. Now I realize, this time may have been for me to reflect. Reflecting hurts, but it brings feelings to the surface. I know in my heart where my dad is. Although I would love to have him here selfishly, I know Heaven is perfect and am thankful and at peace he is there. But the hole it left formed my depression. My dad was my best friend and my greatest confidant. You don’t just lose that and wake up ok. It takes time. It takes reflection. It takes healing. And it takes prayer. I allowed my depression to put me in a pit. A pit where I just did not want to do anything. And I felt like a purposeless, lazy, failure. A person that did not add any value to other people. This is what happens in the pit. You believe the enemies lies. That nothing you do helps. “Don’t do this it doesn’t matter”, “Don’t go here it means nothing.” This is where he gets you.

When you finally take the time to open up to people… it can be disheartening. Some are extremely sensitive and offer advice, some don’t want to hear it and only want you to be happy, and honestly some don’t care. This hurts. My love language is words. Words of love and affirmation. Cards, little notes, texts of encouragement.. so to not receive this makes me feel like shutting down. But, they don’t mean anything by it. It is just another way for you to know that people aren’t really there for that. This is God’s job. He always listens. Just as I am typing this I know He is with me. Not floating above in the sky. This revelation rocked my world this week. No matter how alone I feel, God is always with me. I don’t need to put that weight on other people anyway. You know the saying “don’t expect anything from people and you will never be disappointed.” This is so true! Then when people do kind things, it is genuinely appreciated!

Today on the radio God spoke to me. They were saying the issue with Christians is, sometimes we just KNOW God gave us this HUGE dream. Like we are going to do something that will change the world, and have millions of followers, and almost be famous in a sense. The thing is, that isn’t how God works. Yes, I have things I would love to do and be involved in, and maybe God will see this come to fruition. But right now, I am raising a beautiful 10 year old. The kindest, most loving boy you will ever meet. God trusted me with that job. So on the days where I feel like nothing, and I feel like I have accomplished nothing, I got up, provided for my child, took him to school, picked him up, spent time with him, laughed, encouraged, made dinner, and made sure he had all he needed. I pray for him, encourage him to read his bible, and make sure he does all of his school work. This is my job. And God is proud of me. I can celebrate those small victories because they do all mean something!

Why should my soul be downcast? Why should I have so much fear? When God says this,

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”    -Romans 8:1-2

It’s like the viral video of the little girl singing in choir, there ain’t nothing gonna steal my joy…nothing stole her joy. She had recently been saved and loved Jesus so much she just danced all over that stage. This is how life can be if we let it! Praise Jesus, nothing will steal my joy any longer!

 

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3 thoughts on “Keeping your heart open

  1. I’m so sorry you lost your best friend and have battled depression. I lost my dad too. It sounds like you’re doing well now and being a godly mom to your boy. I know God is pleased with you doing that. I love your blog! Thanks for sharing this post and God bless you!

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